So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
either way he was missing a nipple.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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