I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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