I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
