ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
