Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
