drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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