Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
