dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
