I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
