I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
