There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
