sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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