There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
