were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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