The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
