Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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