How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
