i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
