Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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