tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
