Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
