I got chris browned last night
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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