Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize