she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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