Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
