I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
