i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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