a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
