The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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