omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
