You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
