I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
