3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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