Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
