you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
