drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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