maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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