he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
