walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
