i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
