Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
