Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
