I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
