sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
