Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
