How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
