Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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