I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
