I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
