life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
