When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
two words...techno handjob
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
