lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
did i just pee glitter
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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