I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
