i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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