He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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