I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
