someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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