You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
