Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
