I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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