What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
