i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
