I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
