I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Randomize
