The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I got inside last night via doggy door
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
