I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
