Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
