I'm going to jail i love you
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
