I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
4 words: hood of his car
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
